Does solo travel have to stop when in a partnership?

I had been super prideful regarding my single status. I loved being a single woman. Even more so I loved being a single woman home-owner with a decent income and good credit. Man, that’s an accomplishment. Especially because just like forty years ago women couldn’t even open a bank account or get a loan without the permission and signature of a male spouse or parent. Insane, right? 

I had gotten sober in 2017. My commitment to my sobriety meant taking the suggestions from other sober women to not date in the early recovery days. And I didn’t really date, just fooled around and found upset in every single dating app or man I encountered. That helped me to stay focused. 

I bought my first house as a single woman in the high desert of California just three miles from Joshua Tree National Park in 2020. It was totally and completely mine. I didn’t own pets either so the only person I was responsible for was me. My house was always clean. Hotel-like, actually. Better probably than most hotels. I awoke in the morning to the desert quiet with my coffee and a sunrise and life was good. 

During the pandemic, I found solo exploration to be my thing. Also a recommended activity since we were distancing. I loved to set out on some adventure just myself and my Mini Cooper convertible. I would drive to ghost towns and hike around dormant desert craters and get swept away by solitude. 

It was around year five of my sobriety and year two of being isolated in my rural desert town that I made a decision that I was ready to find a partner. I was also ready to live near more people again. Not necessarily big city living like when I lived in Los Angeles or New York but definitely not a tiny desert town hundreds of miles away from my family. I wanted a nice compromise so I chose to move back to my hometown. A small-ish city full of people I know and love. 

I also thought that I might find some nice Pacific Northwest man who wants to go on some adventures with me. 

My partner is a man from my teenage years. We went to high school together. He was a year younger than me and really sweet so I never gave him a chance. We were friends though and shared some classes and hung around the same people. I remember seeing on Facebook years ago that he had grown up and in a really hot way. 

So I reached out. “Hi! I just moved back to Spokane and saw that you’re doing comedy. I’d love to check out a show sometime.”

Previously I had vowed to never ever date a comedian again. 

But I gave him a chance anyway after he sent me a silly dad joke and turned out to be the funniest man I’ve ever met. 

Our relationship progressed, and we bought a little home together with dreams to fix it up. I became a dog owner and devoted protector of the cutest good boy. And my life changed. 

I’m not just responsible for me anymore. I think about if my partner has eaten or if he will be hungry when he gets home from work. I think about our dog and his needs and prioritize his walks and outings. I am limited by that in some ways. We can’t just pick up and go anytime we want to because we have to find care for the dog, or find ways to bring him. My partner has a career that is demanding and physical and he can’t always just go. And my thing is to just go. 

Part of the reason I enjoy solo travel so much is because I don’t want to wait for other people. I can be impulsive in some of my travel decisions. If I have a free day I want to hit the road to the nearest hot spring and NOW. 

What I’m learning though after some trial and error in our first full year of dating is that I don’t have to change who I am to be a good partner.

I still get to be the girl who travels to the random roadside motel to hike to the hot springs by herself. I can still book a solo staycation in my hometown just because I want to take a bath and be alone. And in doing so, I get to show up as a better partner because I’m not compromising my needs or playing small to appease someone else. 

The great thing is that I do have an adventure partner and someone to share a sunset with, but I don’t need that. I want that. But I’m still me. 

I remember a quote from Dolly Parton when she was asked about the secret to her long successful marriage. She said, “I stay gone a lot. You know, there’s a lot to be said about that. So we’re not in each other’s face all the time. He’s not in the business, so we have different interests, but yet we have the things we love to do together.” 

So my advice is nothing groundbreaking on the subject. It can feel uncomfortable to start planning for trips with another person and having to consider their needs. My partner isn’t a morning person for example so sunrises are mostly not his thing. I have to accept that and get up and make my coffee and catch the sunrise solo and that’s okay. It’s more than okay. I also relish in the solitude I do get and work to enjoy those moments of peace just being with me.